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Why don't women need watches?
Because there's a perfectly good clock on the oven.... Hilarious...but oh so wrong... |
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How many men does it take to tile a floor? It depends how thinly you slice them!!! :D |
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I agree....here's the shock of the century.... Don't judge a person by their handle...it can be misleading... I am female. And not in my mind, or like I wanna be...like I was born, brought up and still act quite female...(whatever that means). Any way...back to the jokes How many babies does it take to paint a room? It depends on how hard you throw them. *SPLAT* |
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Prove it!! :D Quote:
What goes plink, plink.... fizzzzzzzzzz! Two babies in an acid bath! |
An escaped convict breaks into a home and ties up the husband and wife on the bed. He jumps on top of the wife and kisses her ear. He then gets up and goes to the bathroom.
The husband says: “Satisfy him or he will kill us both. I saw the way he kissed you, be strong – I love you!” Wife says: “He didn’t kiss me, he whispered in my ear that he is gay and looking for the Vaseline. I told him its in the bathroom. You be strong – I love you!” |
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A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? 'You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?' 'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. 'I think you're bad luck... get the fuck away from me.' |
A man in Topeka , Kansas decided to write a book about Churches around the
country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read 'Calls: $10,000 a minute.' Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle , Dallas, St. Louis, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor. Finally, he arrived in Massachusetts. Upon entering a church in Boston, MA .. ..........Behold - he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: .35 cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor, "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only .35 cents a call. Why? Why?" The pastor, smiling benignly, replied : "Son, you're in Boston, Massachusetts now, home of the Boston Red Sox, the Patriots, Celtics, Bruins and Boston College ! " You're in God's Country, It's a local call. |
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hahahahahahahahahahaha!! |
Why Men Have Better Friends
Friendship between Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it. Friendship between Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over, and two said that he was still there. |
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Did you hear the joke about the deaf man?
Neither did he. |
A man returned home from the night shift at 8 am, went straight up to the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, feigning sleep. Not to be denied, the horny fellow pulled up the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.
Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. "How'd you get down here so fast?", he asked, "we were just making love." "Oh my God", his wife gasped, "that's my mother up there! She came over with a headache. I told her to lie down for a while!" Rushing upstairs, the woman ran into the bedroom. "Why didn't you say something!", she asked her mother. "I haven't spoken to that jerk in fifteen years", she huffed, "and I wasn't about to start now!" |
A man was found drown in a pool of milk with a banana in his ear. The police suspect a cereal killer. :D
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They're both lame. :cool: :D |
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:D that just so happens to be my sense of humour for ya. |
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what happened when the snail saw his friend get trod on?
He got shell shocked. |
Three women -- one engaged, one married and one a mistress -- are
chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men. That night all three will wear black leather lingerie, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet up for lunch. The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me in black leather lingerie, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long. The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather lingerie, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night. The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather lingerie, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?' |
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair; she lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
- What troubles you, Sister? asked the Mother Superior, I thought this was the day you spent with your family. - It was, sighed the Sister, and I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ. - I seem to recall that, the Mother Superior agreed. So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing? - Far from it, snorted the Sister. In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today! - Goodness, Sister! gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. You must tell me all about it! - Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee! - Oh my! commiserated the Mother. How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!' - No, that wasn't it, admitted Sister. While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway! - Oh, that would have made me blaspheme! sympathized the Mother. - But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws! - So that's when you cursed, said the Mother with a knowing smile. - Nope, that wasn't it either, cried the Sister, anguished, because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!' Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... - You missed the fucking putt, didn't you? |
My dad told me this one.
What do you do if you see your wife staggering outside in the backyard in the middle of the night? Shoot the bitch again. |
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That was...... long. |
An inflatable boy goes to an inflatable school full of inflatable people and children. One day he gets angry and goes around with a needle popping everything. When he's finished and the mess is being cleared up, the headmaster calls him over.
Headmaster - "I'm very dissapointed in you. You left me down, you've let yourself down you've let the whole school down!" |
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I'm sorry. |
Best beer commercial ever.
*WARNING...If you are of a prudish or sensitive nature...DO NOT VIEW....Sexual content* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fKSlRJT5dw |
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Why did the farmer start listening to jazz?
Because he was tired of Hall & Oats! |
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that was actually pretty funny:D |
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Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringin' to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!" "Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!" Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asks. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor." Chirac sighs, amused; "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke." "Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you." Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!" Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last! spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!" "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac. I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war." "Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners." |
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lol.....damn drunken Irishmen......wait...I'm Irish that explains a lot |
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this one was a HUGE hit where my wife works |
This feels like the good old days again. Sitting in my office with not a lot to do, posting back & forth with newb, urge & the rest of the gang. It's good to be home:)
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Phone call from Daddy:
((((RING)))) **Pick Up** "Hello?" "Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?" "No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank" After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank" "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now" Brief Pause "Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway" "Okay Daddy, just a minute" A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone "I did it Daddy!" "And what happened honey?" he asked "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!" "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?" "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead" ***Long Pause*** ***Longer Pause*** Then Daddy says . . .. "Swimming pool?? ...Is this 555-7039??????" "No." Click............ |
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